posted by perkiset on May 16
In a judicial squeeker, California Supreme Court has overturned the popularly voted ban on gay marriage as un-Constitutional, citing that gender identity or sexual orientation should not be a reason to prohibit someone from getting their full rights under the law.
In other words, my marriage is falling apart and I’m in danger of becoming gay.
I mean really, let’s look at it. Since my gay brother is no longer held in check by the good, just and omniscient voice of the popular hysteria, he can now marry another man. If he does so, I’m desperately afraid for the success of my marriage, the sanctity of which clearly will be lessened and the entire structure of my household will begin to fall apart. Good lord – if gay is actually seen as “ok” then my wife might even want to bed another woman! Woe is me!
Wait, there could be an upside to that if she’s comfy with me sitting in the corner with some Cheetos and a PBR.
Crap but then she might want me to be with another man which…
OH FUCK! Does that make me gay? Does the fact that I just typed those words make me gay? Oh my god! I just noticed that I have a Barbara Streisand CD in my collection that I never threw away… it was given to me when I was a kid … but clearly, since I never threw it away in disgust then I must subconsciously have wanted to keep it… OH NO! Have my parents known all along and I’ve been in the dark for these many years? Have I secretly, and unbeknownst to myself, been wishing that my wife’s genitalia was a throbbing chunk of manhood??!?!?!?!?!
AAAAAAAUUUUUUGGGGGHHHH! I’m gay oh no oh god no… what will everyone think, what will my wife say? How long do I have before my wife leaves me and my children become gay satanic drug addicts? I’m going to be a divorced, gay loser with children spawn of the devil!
Wait, there is hope: if you, reading this, will just send me an email so I can fill a petition that illegalizes gayness and all thoughts related to being gay… yeah that’s it… if it’s all illegal then we can control it! We can be normal again and our lives will be ok! The beauty of the conservative notion of controlling the fundamentally flawed, evil and sinning members of the population suddenly is clear to me! Rejoice in the beauty that is government control over my desires! WAIT! I mean THEIR desires, not mine! I didn’t mean me, I mean… AUGGHHH! Do it! Send it quick! Please! Any moment now another Celine Dion tune might come on the radio and I’ll be doomed!
