posted by perkiset on May 16
In a judicial squeeker, California Supreme Court has overturned the popularly voted ban on gay marriage as un-Constitutional, citing that gender identity or sexual orientation should not be a reason to prohibit someone from getting their full rights under the law.
In other words, my marriage is falling apart and I’m in danger of becoming gay.
I mean really, let’s look at it. Since my gay brother is no longer held in check by the good, just and omniscient voice of the popular hysteria, he can now marry another man. If he does so, I’m desperately afraid for the success of my marriage, the sanctity of which clearly will be lessened and the entire structure of my household will begin to fall apart. Good lord – if gay is actually seen as “ok” then my wife might even want to bed another woman! Woe is me!
Wait, there could be an upside to that if she’s comfy with me sitting in the corner with some Cheetos and a PBR.
Crap but then she might want me to be with another man which…
OH FUCK! Does that make me gay? Does the fact that I just typed those words make me gay? Oh my god! I just noticed that I have a Barbara Streisand CD in my collection that I never threw away… it was given to me when I was a kid … but clearly, since I never threw it away in disgust then I must subconsciously have wanted to keep it… OH NO! Have my parents known all along and I’ve been in the dark for these many years? Have I secretly, and unbeknownst to myself, been wishing that my wife’s genitalia was a throbbing chunk of manhood??!?!?!?!?!
AAAAAAAUUUUUUGGGGGHHHH! I’m gay oh no oh god no… what will everyone think, what will my wife say? How long do I have before my wife leaves me and my children become gay satanic drug addicts? I’m going to be a divorced, gay loser with children spawn of the devil!
Wait, there is hope: if you, reading this, will just send me an email so I can fill a petition that illegalizes gayness and all thoughts related to being gay… yeah that’s it… if it’s all illegal then we can control it! We can be normal again and our lives will be ok! The beauty of the conservative notion of controlling the fundamentally flawed, evil and sinning members of the population suddenly is clear to me! Rejoice in the beauty that is government control over my desires! WAIT! I mean THEIR desires, not mine! I didn’t mean me, I mean… AUGGHHH! Do it! Send it quick! Please! Any moment now another Celine Dion tune might come on the radio and I’ll be doomed!
Previous Post: Witnessing history being made.
May 17th, 2008 at 11:54 am
ah… a flawless performance Ed! (Until the part about Celine Dion - she is definitely an icon for the other team… mostly straight women I think =)
So that decision is pretty amazing, isn’t it? A Republican dominated court with three Republican judges and one Democrat made the most sweeping decision in support of gay rights in history. Pretty remarkable. The language of the ruling was the most unambiguous in support of full equality for gay people in American legal history. The ruling shaped the case arguing that sexuality is a characteristic like race and gender that has historically been a target of unfair social bias, warranting full protection under the law.
A great day for America.
May 17th, 2008 at 5:49 pm
Great post Ed. Very Stephen Colbert in its sly, backhanded, approach to approve and promote.
Personally, I am concerned that gay couples are going to make me look bad to my wife. At least with only straight couples to compare to, the numbers are what they are. but now, there’s gonna be like 20% more comparable married couples. The probability of making me look like a shithead just increased significantly. Thanks CA…
On a related note, I think im gonna open a wedding planning business… or at least buy stock in one. lol
May 18th, 2008 at 8:59 pm
“I think im gonna open a wedding planning business…”
Better hurry - the San Francisco Convention and Visitors Bureau is already planning on capitalizing on all the marriage tourism coming San Francisco’s way: http://www.sfgate.com/cgi-bin/article.cgi?f=/c/a/2008/05/18/BANH10O130.DTL
May 19th, 2008 at 11:13 pm
Thanks guys… I know I’ve been horribly remiss in posting, nice to see there are a couple folks out there still have me on their RSS
I agree, flat out amazing all the way around. I’d like to believe that this is symptomatic of a sea change coming the way of these United States… perhaps we’ve had enough of hatred and are going to start behaving like adults.
Heh, I know, I’ll stop now. No sense going overboard. Resume (Republican) party.
/p
May 27th, 2008 at 1:33 pm
A real zinger, Perk.
I LOLed.