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Author Topic: I win for best client...  (Read 5355 times)
nutballs
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« on: March 01, 2011, 06:45:07 PM »

I have the best client ever.
She is marketing manager at a large storage appliance company.
She is thinks the orderly passing of time is an arbitrary limitation which does not affect us.
She thinks that it is possible to manipulate the space time continuum and since we can't we are failures and do not value her as a client (which we coincidentally now don't)

So... What chain of events led to this award I am giving myself?

This is a mere taste. The whole event lasted about 24 hours (so far).

Us 1pm: here is the email design for approval.
Her 7pm: this will be approved first thing in the morning tomorrow.
Her 11pm: why is the email not done yet?!?! I need it asap!!!!!!!
Us 1115pm: uh what? When was it approved? You said tomorrow morning you should have approval.
Her like 30 seconds later: this is unacceptable!!!! Threat, wine, threat, wine, you are incompetent, blah blah.
Us: sleeping...
Her 9am: it is approved, I expect delivery so we can start blasting at 10am.
Us: uh, it still needs to be programmed.
Her: right that should only take a few minutes. Why was this not done last night when I asked?
Us: so to be clear, we were supposed to deliver an email template, ready for blasting, before it was approved?
Her: yes. It's not like we ever have changes. (sidenote: BULLSHIT)
Us: it will be delivered around 1pm.
Us: Delivered for approval....
Her: oh my god, what is wrong with you people? These links don't go anywhere!!! I sent this to all my sales guys to start blasting. This is making me look so bad.
Us: because the landing page is not yet done.
Her: WHAT?Huh? This needed to be done too. This is such a failure.
Us: you have not approved any of the landing page content, nor have you provided us a domain name, nor has the design of the page been approved.
Her: that may be, but why can't you point the links to the domain. Don't you know what your doing?
Us: we cannot point to a domain that does not yet exist.
Her: use somedomainname.com please do what you need to to set it up.
Us: bought the domain.
Her 30 mins later: why did you buy the domain?
Us: you just told us to do what we have to in order to get the domain and landing page up asap.
Her: yes, but I didn't want you to buy the domain, we will set it up at some point when our tech guys can do it?
Us: but without the domain bought and set up, how can we set up the domain and landing page.
Her: aren't you guys supposed to know how to do these things? You do claim to be experts.
Us: so, to make sure we have this right. You expected us to deliver an email template for use, before it was approved for content and design. You expected us to do it midnight. You also expected us to know the domain name without your response to the prior inquiry. Additionally, you feel we should have the domain and ensure setup and ready for traffic, before the domain was purchase, setup in dns, content approval, design approval?
Her: yes.

Wow.

I win.
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I could eat a bowl of Alphabet Soup and shit a better argument than that.
perkiset
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« Reply #1 on: March 01, 2011, 10:36:50 PM »

Business would be so VERY much better without clients.
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isthisthingon
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« Reply #2 on: March 02, 2011, 12:14:18 AM »

 ROFLMAO ROFLMAO  Is her name Charlie Sheen?
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KaptainKrayola
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« Reply #3 on: March 02, 2011, 10:36:46 AM »

Holy shit!  I had a client like that once except when i fired them for a similar bout of douchebaggary they threatened to sue me for damaging their business by delivering an application that met all of the requirements we both agreed on when the project started.   Shocked

WTF is wrong with people?
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nutballs
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« Reply #4 on: March 02, 2011, 11:11:21 AM »

oh it has continued into today as well...
She wants it by 3pm. but she will be on a plane until then, and cant answer questions... wow.
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perkiset
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« Reply #5 on: March 02, 2011, 11:14:44 AM »

Dood. I REALLY thought you coupled omniscience with the fact that you are, well, you know, the Smartest Human On The Planet.
And I'm still not understanding why bending light and traversing the space-time continuum as if it were your personal playground are that difficult.

WTF?
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It is now believed, that after having lived in one compound with 3 wives and never leaving the house for 5 years, Bin Laden called the U.S. Navy Seals himself.
isthisthingon
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« Reply #6 on: March 02, 2011, 12:19:35 PM »

oh it has continued into today as well...
She wants it by 3pm. but she will be on a plane until then, and cant answer questions... wow.

  • Use a crazy 8-ball to determine her intentions
  • Implement said intentions
  • Charge time & 1/2 for telepathic services rendered

She'll love it  Angel
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lamontagne
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« Reply #7 on: March 03, 2011, 03:20:50 PM »

This morning I got an email from a client saying:

"My email is not working"

I thought long and hard about responding with:

"Yes it is"

I will be happy to trade clients.
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perkiset
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« Reply #8 on: March 03, 2011, 03:51:49 PM »

 ROFLMAO ROFLMAO

I can't even tell you how many I get like that. WWHHHHATTTTTTTTHHHHEEEFFUUUUUUCCKKKKK?Huh??

Smiley

Nice to see you about Lamont. Hope you are well.
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lamontagne
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« Reply #9 on: March 03, 2011, 04:06:48 PM »

I am. A massive content repository via python spider and xpaths using mongodb + hand built frontend sites via codeigniter on upcoming technology has served my bank account very well. And it's a model that won't die and requires no promotion, only waiting (getting in early means you're the only resource for others to link to when the tech explodes). To quote your favorite cocksucker: "It just works"
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nutballs
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« Reply #10 on: March 03, 2011, 04:20:30 PM »

ive gotten those as well.

So far in the DUH category, i have experienced:
My email is not working, can you help? (sent via email)
My computer wont turn on. (power was out in the neighborhood)
When i put on my glasses my monitor gets darker. (had their sunglasses snap ons attached to their reading glasses)
And when working at best buy for a few months, i got the "my cup holder doesnt pop out anymore".
among many others...

ah clients. thy are my thorn.
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isthisthingon
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« Reply #11 on: March 15, 2011, 11:19:20 AM »

One time perks and I sold someone a brand new Apple computer with a "defective" monitor (from a batch of about 45 in a network).  So I drove out there to investigate.  About 45 miles and an hour later when I arrived I went to inspect the problem.  We had a nice monthly agreement that paid the bills and we would swoop down to handle anything that was wrong, including people just having bad days.

Anyway, this lady was actually suggesting that the Apple products must be clones or something, since she's never seen a bad Apple product like this one. 

The monitor was pulsing violently with colors gyrating and swirling in a precise timing pattern.... the timing of the large, antique, die-cast metal, WWII commemorative fan spinning on top of it  D'oh!

I removed the fan and as she turned around and saw the perfect monitor she appeared to almost have seen a ghost, seriously.  She then began getting defensive and saying "what did you do??  how did you do that!??!"   Tongue

It reminds me of that classic tech support story where someone folded a 5 1/4 floppy in half to fit in in their 3.5 inch drive.
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perkiset
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« Reply #12 on: March 15, 2011, 11:33:56 AM »

 ROFLMAO ROFLMAO ROFLMAO WOW man that was a long time ago. Like 2 lifetimes.

Thanks for the memory Smiley
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« Reply #13 on: March 16, 2011, 01:19:51 PM »

I have many tech support stories from the past... a lot of them are typical ones (failing to plug in the computer being a frequent cause of problems.)  But my very favorite one is this:  circa 1978 or 1979, when the Apple II series was king.  I was doing tech support and service for a computer store chain.

A customer brought in their Apple II computer.  The computer worked, but had a peculiar symptom.  After moving the computer from one room to another, the computer no longer displayed the flashing cursor which was ubiquitous in those days for text entry.  In actuality, it wasn't just the cursor; any flashing text (this was a mode you could output text in on the Apple II) would not display.  The culprit was a Signetics 555 timer chip (still in use today, see http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/555_timer_IC) which controlled the flashing text.  The cursor didn't display because without the timer, it was always "black" and never getting to its "white" state.

But here's the funny part of the story.  The customer was convinced that, in moving the computer, the cursor had fallen out of the back of the machine.  (Those old enough will remember that the Apple II had large open slots in the back where cables from peripheral cards and the like could exit.)  This customer had searched on her hands and knees for hours, looking for the cursor in the carpeting.  She had then vacuumed and gone through the contents of the vacuum bag, searching for the tiny square of blinking light.

I didn't have the heart to tell her what an idiot she was.  On the service invoice, I just wrote "Replaced Cursor."
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isthisthingon
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« Reply #14 on: March 16, 2011, 02:02:38 PM »

 ROFLMAO ROFLMAO  No wonder people freak out about Grand Theft Auto.
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